Boyfriend 5.0 v. Husband 1.0

Okay, so sometimes work spam e-mails ARE kind of funny...
__________________________________________


INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs such as

· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.






DEAR DESPERATE

,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default toGrumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

The Dark Side Of Women...

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang..

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.. Show me what you bought.'

Here are a few things to think about while you are sitting there

Can you cry under water ?



How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated.. instead of just murdered ?



Why do you have to "put your two cents in" .. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts ?" Where's that extra penny going to ?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity ?



Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



What SORT OF disease did THE cured ham actually have ?



How is it that we put A man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like.... every two hours ?



If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing ?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground ?



Why do doctors leave the room while you change ? They're going to see you BUTT naked anyway.



Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural ?



Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid, DIPPY song about him ?



Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a SMALL hole in a boat?



Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? aREN'T THEY both dogs ??



If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner..?



If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from...?



If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?



Do the

"Alphabet Song"

and

"Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"

have the same tune?




Why ON EARTH did you just try singing OR HUMMING the two songs above?









Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorroid when it's in your butt?



Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?



Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?



added by Ms.B : Aren't you glad I post this junk on my blog instead of flooding your e-mail inbox?

Tasty Tuesday -Week 10

This weeks theme is
"Biscuits and Bread".

I decided I'd be creative (for me) this week and take a different approach to the topic. So I googled the word bread and thought I'd share some of the neat stuff that came up. An online search is always risky business to be sure. If filters aren't in place, who KNOWS what kind of scary stuff can pop up on the screen. Wouldn't you know it, the second image on my search was a loaf shaped like feces. Yum? Fortunately there were also charming things like bread teddy bears and bread turtles. So cute!!

There was also a clump of grapes, what appeared to be a baked turkey, a crocodile, and HEADS! Yes, heads, and other gruesome body parts. Very freaky, yet cool. And ALL bread!

Of course, there is always the most FAMOUS of breads, the "Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich". Apparently the lady who made it kept this sandwich for over a decade before selling it for big bucks ($28,000, to be exact) to an online casino. NO clue what they will do with it. In an interview following the sale, the gal who made it said “I would like all people to know that I do believe that this is the Virgin Mary Mother of God,”.

Yes, lady. Mary, the mother of God has nothing better to do that hang around in your grilled cheese sammich. I ate a tuna fish sandwich as I typed this post, and though I kept careful watch, not once did I see a religious figure in my food.

I must be going to hell.


Ms.B

Moi?

When DH pointed this license plate out to me this morning on the way to the University I couldn't believe my eyes. A plate dedicated to me!! Or maybe someone else out there just likes the idea of a punny nickname. Its far more thrilling to imagine my fame, of course.

The lady who emerged from the car when it parked was in her mid to late 50s, at least, and had lovely silver hair. Not exactly the young, sassy thing I anticipated when I first saw the car. lol Maybe she really is "behaved".


Ms.B

p.s. Ms.B does not condone any stalking done by anyone who might know the actual owner of this plate. No--no, stalking is bad, m-kay?

Do dogs go to heaven?

This is literally a 'church signs' debate, being played out in a Southern town, between the Catholic church and a (fundamentalist) Presbyterian church.

From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time. The Catholics are displaying a much better sense of humor! You get the impression that the Presbyterians are actually taking this seriously!




















Every once in a while I don't mind receiving a mass-email. HA!

Ms.B

Facebook Gaffe

Wow. Every working person has had their fair share of good bosses and bad, myself included. And even a good boss can piss a person off from time to time, I'm sure. But the gal in this image I received via e-mail must be a total idiot. Seriously. For those of you who haven't seen this yet, enjoy.



Apparently this is a REAL Facebook entry by some gal over in Britain.

If I knew who this boss was I'd give them a high-five for their snarky and victorious reply. I'd also bop this gal on the head.

Twice.

Ms.B

Why do we love children?

Received this at work from a friend and thought it was cute. Figured I'd share! :)


1)
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued
writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well,
then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please
tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back
there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal
of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write,
and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
Adam's underwear!'

*BEEEEEP*

Knowing that Sunday night was when my brother-in-law sister-in-law broke the news of her impending change to the other sister-in-law (who was recently visiting us here at the Haven), DH e-mailed to ask how it had gone. Apparently "she freaked out" would be an understatement.

"What am I going to tell my daughter when she looks at our wedding photos?"

It must be a tad stressful to have to approach everyone associated with your life to explain that you are making such a huge change. But Jordanna is handling it with a sense of humor, which is the best approach, I'd wager.

I present to you part of the reply that was sent to DH's e-mail.

"Anyways yeah that was super fun, I can't wait to do it again.....over and over again. I swear my life has just become a constant ongoing disclosure. It's getting to the point now where I'm gonna start saying "I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body and I'm cutting my dick off, push 1 for "Sounds good" push 2 for "Better start running cuz I'm getting my gun", 3 for "GREAT!! Now my wedding pictures are ruined", and for all other responses please hold on the line and someone will never get back to you." "


Ms.B

Things I see

Shoes. A lot of shoes on the side of the road lately. Especially on the entrance ramps to the freeways. How do those shoes get there, anyway? Are folks driving around with their feet hanging out the window?


Bicycles. Lots of people are riding their bikes now, most likely since gas is so expensive. I respect that. I'd ride my bike to work as well if I wasn't 30 minutes away by car. However, I dislike it when a cyclist thinks they are a car and tries to merge and make large turns in traffic. One of these days I'll end up mowing one of those idiots over with my SUV. Or maybe I'll just pull off my shoe and throw it at them.


Hrm...

Ms.B

All "Business", please?

Yesterday DH stood in front of the mirror staring at his curly locks and exclaimed that he needed a haircut.

"Maybe I'll grow a mullet!" he said with a glint in his eye.

I stood there speechless, trying to imagine him with that hair-style.

"No, no. It won't work.", he said, shaking his head. "It wouldn't be business-in-the-front, Party-in-the-back."

"It would be business-in-the-front, Afro-in-the-back."

And that was the end of his Mullet Dream.



Ms.B

p.s. I am pretty sure he was kidding. If he grows a real mullet, he will wake up one morning with a bald head.

I'm Luvin It

DH was chatting with friends on his computer a few minutes ago and suddenly began playing McDonalds related songs on his speakers. "Bada ba ba ba." Then he put on his shoes and wandered from the room, out the front door and drove away.

I see a McMuffin in my future.

I don't want to tickle this one...

O.O

And I thought the American version of this toy was horrifying.


Ms.B

Final Memories

There is a very strong possibility that I need to make one last visit up to see my Grandmother in Wyoming. This summer is possibly her last in her home & I don't want to have any feelings of guilt that I didn't visit enough once she passes away. Also, I need a new 'final memory'.

We all have final memories. They aren't necessarily the memories of your last moments with a loved one or old friend, but they are formed during your final times together. Visiting my grandma creates final memories of walking around her farm, swinging one last time on the home-made swing that my grandfather built, walking down to the little post office to pick up her mail & photographing all the little details of her life. Details like the flocked (aka fuzzy) wallpaper in her bathroom (Wallpaper that has been there since the house was built in the early 1900s), the playhouse my grandfather built when my dad was a child , the tulips she tended while I was a baby living just down the street, the medicine cabinet in the spare bedroom off the garage that still contains the bottle of asprin that expired in April 1987. All those things and many more create my memories of Grandma's house.

But one more trip must be made. One that must be eventful. ANY kind of eventful. Something to create a new final memory that will erase the one I have right now.

Because my final memory of my sweet, frail, blind grandmother is of her saying "Goodmorning!" to me as I entered the kitchen and reaching out for my elbow only to get a full handful of my left breast instead.

I wonder what it is about my left breast that makes it so popular.



Ms.B

Quiz Time

True or False?

1) Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

2) When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart.

3) Only 7% of all the population are left-handed.

4) Forty people go to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

5) The average person over 50 has waited in line for around 5 years.

6) 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

7) Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

8) If color was not added to Coca Cola it would be green.

9) The first Harley Davidson motorcycle, built in 1903, used a tomato juice can for a carburetor.

10) Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2 to 6 years old.

__________________

According to the newsletter I received with my check this morning, ALL of the above statements are true.

Ms.B

Monday Humor

As told by my friend Kim:

A young blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. She shows up for her first day of work promptly at 8am, and the Personnel Manager gives her instructions and sets her to work. By 10am, there's an angry knock at the Personnel Manager's door and the Foreman storms into the office. He begins ranting about the new woman, saying she's incredibly slow, the whole line is backed up, and the production line is already behind schedule.

So the Personnel Manager decides to go down to the assembly line to see what the problem is for himself. When the PM and the Foreman get to the floor, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor. The young woman stood at the end of the line, surrounded by a mountain of Tickle Me Elmos. She had a roll of red plush fabric and a bag of marbles.

The two men watched in amazement as the young woman cut a small square of red plush fabric, wrap it around two marbles, and sew it between the legs of a Tickle Me Elmo... realizing what she was doing, they erupted in hysterical laughter.

Finally calming down, the Personnel Manager says, "No, no no... I said to give each Elmo two TEST TICKLES!


Ms.B

Wax-a-rific

The gal hadn't missed a day of work since her hire date. She even came in the day of, and the day AFTER she had her wisdom teeth removed.

FREAK!

Talk about loyalty and dedication.

But she missed Thursday. Didn't come in, oh no, no.

She had to stay home.

Apparently she burned her finger...




while attempting to wax her eyebrows.


Ms.B

For the record...

My dogs do NOT do this:

Sometimes it only takes 15 seconds to have an Adventure

The DH was in a silly mood. He ran around the room making "Weeeeee" sounds and riling up the dogs into a barking frenzy. I sarcastically told him that he was 'nuts' and that the neighbors could probably see him through the window. He glanced at the front window, which, though open, was semi-blocked by our Christmas Tree. Knowing that no one could see him through the tree, he dropped his pants and started jiggling and wiggling, his 'goodies' flapping to and fro.

My mouth hung open in shock and bemused horror.

It wasn't until his pants were once again pulled up that I pointed out to him that the window on the side of our house was wide open and visible to about three of our neighbors homes.

The horror!

Ms.B

Which Side?

My cousin, Scott, a published author, is a professor at a University in the Rocky Mountain region. Due to the nature of his job, he has a blog where he makes amusing entries, and shares his latest art work. The other day I visited his blog and found the following story. It made me smile.

*********

The other day I went to the doctor. As normal I filled out the health history sheet. One of the questions asked about family members that have had cancer. I checked that my grandmother had had cancer.

During the office visit, the doctor said, "What kind of cancer did your grandmother have?"

"Breast cancer," I responded.

"Which side?" the doctor asked.

"I don't know." was my confused response.

At this moment, my wife and doctor begin laughing at me and I have no idea why.

Then my wife said very slowly, "Which side of the family?"

**********

Scott was recently diagnosed with Liver Cancer. He and his wife are currently making routine trips from his home to a nearby state for treatments. It's nice to see that his illness hasn't affected his sense of humor.

If anyone reading this happens to be of a religious persuasion and could keep Scott in their prayers, our family would greatly appreciate it. He has a good chance of survival, but every little bit of support helps.

Ms.B