“Sweet as Spice”

Moving out of your parent’s home is a major milestone in any child’s life. I don’t mean “move out to college and come home” kind of moving, but the “left and I’ll never be going back” sort of move. This occurred for me in the summer of 2001. For reasons I am still not completely sure of, I explored some online advertisements to see what kind of housing options there were. I had a good set-up with my parents. My bedroom was on a different floor than the rest of my family and I was well behaved enough that I didn’t have any kind of curfew or restrictions. There just comes a time in the life of most 20-somethings when you fly the coop. And so I did. I responded to one of the ads I saw and a nice gal called me a short while later. We arranged for a moving day and before I knew it I was settled in a two bedroom, one bath condo. My roommate, DeeDee, was a divorced gal about two years younger than myself. We got along rather well at the start. We’d hang out frequently and she always invited me to go clubbing her with her friends. Some times I went. Other times I declined so I could hang out with my boyfriend at the time, Mr. PBM. For about three months everything went great. She had a cute hound dog, Cindy, that was a lot of fun. DeeDee gave me permission to get a cat (Gizmo, the start of my current zoo!) and he and Cindy were the best of friends. Girl talk was entertaining. I’d watch her go online looking for boyfriends and we’d have long talks about how much money a guy should make to be worth a girl’s time. I learned that she only wanted to marry a blonde or brunette guy (no non-whites, please!) because she wanted little blonde babies that looked like her. I never quite understood that logic, but I didn’t worry about it since it didn’t affect me. Besides, all the more hot, dark strangers for me, right? RAR! She also gave me pointers on how large a man’s penis should be and how often a girl should let him put it in her. Advice on what to wear and how to look was non-stop, and she said I should have a job that paid me more money so that I could accumulate the luxuries that she had, like a “big girl” bed (size queen or larger) as well as a washer, dryer and a wicker couch. I always wondered how patio furniture in a living room could be considered a luxury. The only argument that we ever had was during her birthday party when she was extremely drunk and got mad that I was a little annoyed with all the drunk people creating havoc in our home. Someone there called the cops and she was sure it was me. (It wasn’t, though I had seriously considered it!)

*evil grin*

One day the tide turned. DeeDee was a lonely girl. She went through numerous boyfriends while I lived with her as well as a few random sex partners. Most memorably, a super nice guy with kids (who she broke up with due to his small penis) and a rich doctor guy who was just using her for sex. The nice guy was actually a keeper (small penis aside) but she messed up the relationship with him by telling all her friends about his tiny member. That, and she blew him off to date the rich doctor, or RD, as I’ll call him. RD moved to the east coast about two months after I first met him. DeeDee drowned her sorrows in alcohol and then decided that she was going to join the Air Force. Unfortunately she had a rare genetic issue with her hand that made her incapable of hold a firearm correctly and the Air Force denied her application. She tried to stifle this disappointment by re-connecting with the nice guy she had given the shaft. Fortunately for him, by that time he had met a new woman and it was his turn to blow DeeDee off. Oooh, she was mad. She began drinking more and more. Unfortunately, there I was, with a job I loved, a boyfriend I enjoyed and no worries in life. No worries except for her. She became a horrendous bitch literally over night. I couldn't move out of there fast enough. But not before she stole some money from me, charged me for bills I had nothing to do with and, in general, made my life hell. I moved to a small apartment of my very own and lived happily ever after. Okay, so maybe not happily ever after, but sanely ever after. Through mutual acquaintances I heard that shortly after I bailed on her, RD contacted her and suggested she come out to see him. With no hesitation she sold all her furniture, appliances and major belongings and moved to the east coast only to turn around and move home again less than a month later when the doctor broke her heart. All this drama by a woman that was such a pro at giving ME advice on my personal life.

This blog entry is an educational one for me. It has taught me that I am, in some cases, a bitter, unforgiving bitch! You see, about a year ago, as I was leaving the checkout at a local store I saw her. I didn’t stop to say hi, honestly I am not even sure if she saw me. I just hustled out the door to avoid having to talk to her. I am sure we would have given each other fake smiles and done the “so great to see you” bull shit that we always do with old acquaintances. She would have asked if I was dating anyone and hidden her jealousy when I said I was married. She’d ask about my husband and what he did for a living and I’ve had secretly wished I had the nerve to blurt out something about his size 16/wide feet.

The close call did peak my interest, I must confess. As I pondered if she could be married by now, the memory of her online dating attempts crossed my mind. “What are the odds she’d still have a personal ad after all this time?”, I thought. First thing I did when I got home was hop onto Yahoo personals and do a little search. It didn’t take me long to find her under the title “Sweet as Spice”. There, under her requirements for a man were“white and rich”. I book marked her ad and put the link in a random folder on the computer. I periodically surfed to her page every few months when I would find the link. “Oh YEAH!”, I’d think. “ I wonder if she’s still on there.” and I’d take a peek.

Today was one of those random days. With the Internet finally working again here at the office I have been cleaning up my old bookmarks. There was her link. I couldn't’t resist the urge. She's still “Sweet as Spice”. Still wants her Caucasian man. But good news to all you single guys out there. She now has “any” marked on the income bracket. Could the years of desperation have finally made her more open to new options? Did she find Mr. Right only to find he was looking for Mrs. Right? Or maybe she’s just living on the wild side. In any case, the tides are turning and it’s your lucky day, men!

I now present to you, her Yahoo Personal’s Profile, cut and pasted in its original format. (Okay, I confess that I updated it a tiny bit for accuracy reasons, but I didn't let my anal tendencies allow me to fix her spelling errors.)

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“Sweet as Spice”

Okay first off -- I am a girly girl BUT I can still get drunk dirty with the best of them! I love heels, dresses, skirts and all things wicker pink. One Most of my friends at one time or another have told me I look like Beverly Mitchell (Lucy from 7th Heaven), but I think she looks like me. :) I drink laugh at myself on a daily basis - without laughter and smiles life is nothing. I am desperate a sucker for a guy who can make me laugh!

I am drunk funny, attractive, intelligent, and super fun!! I love to travel -- I used to be a flight attendant so I've done lots of it! I enjoy alcohol a good book, movies, the outdoors (in small doses please), walking my dog, yoga, spending time with my nieces/nephews and good conversation (especially if it comes with a good cup of coffee or a good glass of wine).

Money Chemistry is a must! I don't believe in love at first sight, but I believe in attraction at first sight. I am old enough to realize that those "sick to your stomack butterflies" fade and you have to have something deeper to build on. I've got a small dog (what happened to her hound dog?), so you must like her! I love my high heels, so tall guys get extra brownie points! Please note I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A ONE NIGHT STAND. I am in search of something more meaningful that one or two nights of a good time. Let's be honest, if I just wanted a piece, I wouldn't have to look on here for it!! I have a dull great life with a good job and even better friends, so I hope you feel the same about your own life. I am looking for someone to support complement me, not complete me.

If I've piqued your interest or think you can pique mine, drop me a line!

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If only I had the balls to post the link to the real deal. But that would be a little too evil, even for me.

Ms.B