Who Knew?

Upon conclusion of my latest trip to the Wal-Mart Super center it dawned on me that I was one of a small collection of individuals who were not yet aware of the proper approach for a successful Wal-Mart shopping experience. Therefore, I submit for approval, the The Etiquette Guidelines for Wal-Mart Shopping. Please alert the other 2% of the population who, like me, have been blissfully unaware of the existence of these guidelines.

Anyone who shops at their local Wal-Mart store must follow most if not all of the following rules:

#1) Never attend Wal-Mart unless you have at least 4 children in tow.

#2) Make sure to feed fore mentioned children lots of sugar prior to leaving your house.

#3) As you enter the parking lot, be sure to whip out in front of pedestrians as they try to make it back to the safety of their car.

#4) Position the wheels of your vehicle so that you are about 10” into the parking spot to the left of you. Also, pull so far forward that the car in front of you can’t get into that parking spot without bumper kissing your front fenders.

#5) As you enter the sliding doors, arrange your 4+ children in such a way that no one else can either enter or exit the store. Linger in the doorway for a few seconds while yelling at the kids to behave or “they’re gonna get it”!

#6) Give at least two of the children with you a cart of their own. Choose the children that are most likely to knock into other shoppers as you maneuver about the aisles.

#7) Do not proceed in an orderly fashion. The children and other carts must be directly to either side of you in order to block as much of the aisle as possible. If you happen to be on a solo shopping trip, remember to park your cart in the CENTER of the aisle. This will create much traffic build-up and, if you are lucky, you will learn some new swear words and hand gestures.

#8) As you reach the end of each shopping aisle, pick up some speed and whip out into the large area at the end. People will squeal and dart out of the way of your cart. It is very exciting.

#9) Half way through your shopping list, encourage your children to become very hyper and dart throughout the store while unsupervised. This will act as a form of birth control for other shoppers who have been considering starting a family of their own.

#10) When you reach the area where all the soda is, sneakily open a 12-pack and drink the contents of one of the cans. Then slip the empty can back into the pack. Once you are done, abandon your cart and make a hasty detour to the closest restroom. Do not wait in line for the next stall, just dart right in and claim a toilet. Never mind washing your hands. You need to get back to your cart so that you can make your way to…

#11) the PRODUCE section! Be sure to finger as much of the fruit and vegetables as possible. Round up the small children and watch with amusement as they pull a large grapefruit from the pile causing round, yellow objects to spill onto the floor. While the other shoppers are trapped amidst the mess, make a bee-line for the cash register.

#12) Once you get there, order the kids to “put back” the toys they’ve collected throughout the store.

But Mama, I WANT IT!!!!

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH

#13) Once you are done screeching, reaffirm that the children do not get to have their toys and make them set everything down in a small pile directly in front of the cart belonging to the person next in line.

#14) Go through the groceries you’ve chosen and select at least 3 perishable items to leave on top of the candy display next to the register.

#15) Take your time putting things on the conveyor belt. Stop every so often to yell at one or more of your children. At this point they should be fighting at the very front of the store and bumping into people here and there.

#16) Be sure that you add everything up ahead of time so that when the cashier tells you your total you can explain that you don’t have enough money and that you’ll need to remove about 7 items from your bags.

#17) Push your cart very very slowly towards the front of the store.

#18) As you reach the exit, realize that little Timmy is missing and stop your cart, once again, effectively blocking the exit. Do not move until Timmy is located!!

#19) Scold Timmy loudly in front of the store. This is a great opportunity to use the new swear words and hand gestures that you learned earlier while blocking the aisles.

#20) Dart out in front of cars as you leave. Cross in front of them at a diagonal angle in order to take as much time as possible. This will get their adrenaline pumping. They might not thank you at the time but it’s that extra rush that will help them survive their next hour in the store!


Ms.B